K i can't take it anymore. Need to blog it out!!!!! Realized quite some time ago that writing (or typing, since I'm living in the 21st century) is my form of catharsis.
Of course the best form of catharsis for me would be playing the piano.
But I've got no piano. Need to get one soon.
I finally UNDERSTAND what I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY PIANO means.
So, let me start ranting, aye? Pardon me.
p/s: the title rhymes. haha.
Oh yeah and I told myself that I will create a new blog by this weekend cause this blog has too many unwanted memories which are best forgotten.
Something's feeling weird nowadays. Maybe karma hit me? I don't know. Perhaps I need to stop being bitchy, stop gossiping. Hard, but achievable.
Today's society is damn screwed and we all know it. Hard to try and be a nice and perfect girl aye? You have no idea how much control it takes me to not spew the F word out whenever I am damn freaking pissed. (yup i substitute the F word with freak. Sounds a tad more polite).
Okay sorry back on track now.
Used to be super close with a person, but lately something feels off...
Said person won't talk to me unless I initiate the conversation first, which is different from the past. We used to be able to talk to each other freely, in a balanced way (as in it is not always I who start the conversation, unlike nowadays).
Seriously I don't know what happened!!!!
Maybe it's that period when I went to Korea and something changed? (oh yeah short update: I went to Korea for my college's course study trip. Amazing huh!)
Maybe it's me, maybe it's that person. I don't know.
Tried asking if I did anything wrong, but the answer that came out was what I predicted.
I know the person too well.. or perhaps I don't know the person at all as compared to what I think I know?
I feel really hurt, but perhaps I'm just thinking too much? But the feeling really isn't right and I think nobody cares much so I hope I can settle it myself.. How I wish I have a person I can talk to..
It's like I turned from being one's closest friend to a normal acquaintance overnight.
I really can't keep initiating the conversation.. If this goes on, I think I might just breakdown..
Perhaps leave the group? But is it worth it.. They're like family. But things changed.
I really miss the old times when we first gathered together.. Could we please go back to the old times? I loved the atmosphere.. the ambiance..
Girls. Always full of troubles and worries. Guys are so carefree.
I WANT TO BE A GUY REAL BAD. THEY HAVE IT GOOD.
(wow 2 acronyms in a sentence. There's a term for this language mechanism which I forgot ah well I was an English Literature student after all.)
Don't worry. I am still straight, nor do I have any intentions of going for a certain major operation, for those who are thinking weird stuff right now.
On the good, I-am-trying-to-comfort-and-make-myself-feel-better side,
Maybe it's because the said person might leave soon due to some events, and the person's trying to be distant to me in order to not let the parting be so hard.
Bet you're thinking, "Ya right Ashley, stop being so full of yourself!! Whattheheck!"
Well I am also having that exact thought.
Yup I am insignificant..........
Crap I've gone off track again.
Well, all I really hope is that things will return to normal again and we can be the happy "family" that we are.
Can we return to being the close friends that we are?
All is it all just an illusion? Have I been tricking myself into believing that I could step out of my friends-deprived darkness and started having wishful thinking?
I really don't know... Someone please answer for me? God? Anyone?
Gonna start praying really hard.. maybe it's because I've not been a good Christian and go to church regularly.. Thus distancing myself from God..
All I ever wanted was, a best friend.
A friend who would always be there for me, and I for her.
Let me delve into the past for awhile..
Kindergarten? No best friends. Forever changing kindergartens. How to find one?
Primary school? Being the headstrong and straight forward girl that I was, I got told off for that and my best friends didn't want to befriend me if I am always straight forward.
Became a doormat afterwards.
Secondary school?
Potential best friends quit band. I stayed.
When I wanted to quit, I pissed my fellow cohort off.
Left with nothing afterwards.
At least I left high school with a few really awesome close friends.. I hope they do consider me as one of their best friends :D
Poly?
Awesome group of classmates! But I believe they already have their best friends.
Any best friends up for grabs out there? :( *lame joke haha* *cue crow flying across*
And there's the said group which I feel as though they are my family..
When a teenage girl lives in a foreign country, she can't help but want a family there.. Cause she misses her family. She wished she had a better past so that she could love and miss her real family more too.
If any one of the said group reads this (And knows that this is for you), I hope you understand how I feel.
No hard feelings!
I love all of you, seriously. You all are just like family to me! ^-^
I'd prioritize you all, top in my list!
I hope I didn't sound like a despo here :(
Just had to let out all my pent up frustration sigh. Feeling much better now.
I'M GOING TO PRAY HARD AND BELIEVE IN GOD THAT HE CAN TURN THINGS BACK TO HOW THEY WERE!
AJA AJA HWAITING!!!!
*yup, I LOVE ALL THINGS KOREAN*
SUPER JUNIOR IS MY LOVE. KEKEKEKE. KYUHYUN & DONGHAE!! ULTIMATELY KYU THOUGH.
Sorry for the mini spaz.
And oh, Brown Eyed Girls' Sixth Sense is AMAZING. THOSE HIGH NOTES ARE WOW. (okay maybe it's a lil too late to be spazzing about this -_-)
Well, that's all! Pray for me too please :D
I hope things will turn out well!
And really sorry for ignoring my blog for sucha long time, poly's been crazy busy over here in Singapore.
I WISH I CAN DREAM OF YOU EVERY NIGHT,
copy and paste the code above to link me ^^
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